Death by Biochemistry

BREAKING NEWS! Yours truly has developed what may very well be the first ever case of an illness never yet recorded in humans. Shocking, unbelievable, bizarre, yet true – the world’s first honest-to-goodness biochemistry allergy. A quick PubMed search yields no previous studies on biochemistry allergies (just for clarification, no I did not really look, but you’re right, I wouldn’t have put it past me). Clearly, I am the first ever with such a severe case. Somewhere, some future doctor from whom I will seek treatment will surely get a ground-breaking article in New England Journal of Medicine out of my story.

The past four days have involved nothing but studying for my two upcoming finals in biochemistry and oncology transformed cell. I have noticed a bizarre pattern of my health based on what I am studying. On Thursday and Friday morning/afternoon/early evening, I was in the library all day studying for biochem, and I felt pretty crummy. Fever, achy, congested, sore throat – all your classic allergy/cold symptoms. Friday evening, I switched to studying for transformed cell, and within a matter of a few hours, I felt better. I could breathe clearly, swallow without pain, fever is suddenly gone – I thought my problems were solved! Saturday morning, upon awaking feeling pretty chipper considering the previous days, I cracked open the biochemistry book. Aaah-aaaah-aaaah-CHOO! Almost immediately, the sneezing and stuffy nose returns. After a quick review of the material, it’s back to tumor biology – and with the switch comes pleasantly clear sinuses and feeling fine, normal temperature, etc. I wake up Sunday feeling decent, start the biochemistry, and once again – within a matter of hours, am back to a state of physical misery, congestion, sore throat, difficulty breathing and a 103 fever!

Isn’t it obvious what’s going on here? I have developed an allergy to biochemistry! Now, I could make a case for it being all mental if it was just feeling queasy and nauseous upon studying biochemistry versus say, sitting in front of the TV for a few hours, but it’s not like it’s deciding between something fun and studying. Furthermore, it’s not just not feeling so great or a headache, it’s being based on the congestion of my sinuses (and last I checked, I couldn’t fake a stuffy nose!) It’s really looking at the lesser of two evils, here. And to be honest, I think I actually prefer studying biochemistry, because as hopeless as that situation seems, I think tumor bio is looking even MORE hopeless since there is much, much more material on that exam and none of the lectures even begin to correspond to each other. And, strange as it is – I actually kind of enjoy the material for biochemistry. I may not have a great grasp on it or feel like I really need to learn it in as much detail as we are taught, but don’t dislike the studying, and certainly not enough to make myself sick over it! So the only true explanation for my problems – a rapidly worsening allergy to biochemistry itself.

Then it dawned on me – I must inform my biochemistry professors of this dreadful and rare disease immediately! I mean, if studying has made me this sick already, imagine what yet another full 14-16 hour day of studying tomorrow will do! And worse yet – the exam. If studying alone generates this much of a response, I can only imagine what the actually heat-of-the-moment hardcore thinking and analyzing of biochemistry will do to me – this could prove to be a fatal allergy. Just think of the implications that would have on the course and the program. I can see the headlines already – “Biochemistry Department Administers Fatal Final”, or perhaps “Deadly Science Final Causes Other Students to Flock to Humanities”. Honestly, neither would be very good for the program. I picture a drastic decrease in enrollment, a few investigations by the Board of Directors, and a potential folding of the program, leaving the faculty members scrambling for new positions at other universities. Really, by not taking this exam, I would be doing a huge favor to the faculty. Just giving me an A in the course and letting me go on with my life would really be in everyone’s best interest, not just mine… honest!