It is after 2am and I am bashing myself in the head with my biochemistry textbook. I practically have to keep poking myself in the eyeball to stay awake. My index finger is literally dripping blood, as it has been snagged in my binder more times than I care to count tonight. My mind is focus solely on attempting to absorb as much information as possible, so I don’t dare dart my eyes off the notes for the three seconds it would take to look at the binder as I snap it shut. I cannot possibly cram one more peptide sequence or drug inhibitory pathway into my brain, and yet I still have all of epidemiology and biostatistics to cover, and I’ve already forgotten all the methods and pharmacology I studied two weeks ago during my miserable winter “break” which consisted of being locked in my room studying for ten hours per day. Studying which, by the way, has proven to be absolutely useless because I can’t even remember important facts like the difference between Bcl-X(L) and Bcl-X(s)… one is part of the pro-life pathway and one is part of the pro-death pathway in apopotosis but I can’t remember which one belongs where.
I have considered, multiple times, weaving all my printed out power points slides together into a noose and just hanging myself. I wonder how many Ph.D. students are sent to the loony bin due to breakdowns while studying for comprehensive exams. Ironically, my boyfriend is currently doing his psychiatry rotation at the moment – perhaps I will wind up paying him a visit. The least he could do is steal me some Xanax or valium, or at least some Ritalin -- I could use a little something on the side to help me focus more on the actual studying and less on what I will do with my life after I fail the comprehensive exams and am forced out of the program, kicking and screaming.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached full out panic mode. And it is not a pretty sight.
Oh, the memories... The awful, miserable memories. I had a breakdown - sat and cried for about an hour while lying on the bathroom floor. It's just operating at peak memorization level.
ReplyDeleteYou'll be amazing and it'll all be over soon. Just try not to go completely insane before then, you poor thing. :)
I too remember those days. Definitely a low point in anyone's PhD career. But you will survive, and you will not fail, and then you can tell us all about your triumphs over the evil exams. Good luck!
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