I certainly cannot attest for all marriages, but ours seems to be one based on double-standards of doctoring. The frustrating double-standard of the moment deal with the Rules of Sickness.
The Rules of Sickness are as follows:
- When Julie is sick, she must sleep on the couch and avoid the bedroom at all costs, as not to infect Husband with germs, because he is a Doctor and is therefore Very Important and Saves Lives, and cannot afford to get sick.
- No matter how sick Julie is feeling, she is still expected to cook dinner for Husband, because he is a Doctor and therefore works Very Hard at Saving Lives, and comes home hungry and tired and needs to replenish his energy.
- When Husband is sick, he still gets to sleep in the bed, because he is a Doctor and works Very Hard and needs a Good Night’s Sleep and therefore should never have to sleep on the couch.
As a result of these rules, 9 times out of 10, when I am sick, it does not spread to Husband (fortunately for him), and 9 times out of 10 when he is sick, it does spread to me (unfortunately for me).
At this point, if you are like my parents, my mother-in-law, my labmates, or any of my friends, you might be thinking to yourself, “Well, at least your husband is a doctor; surely, when you are sick, it is useful to have a doctor to take care of you!”
Rule #4: Husband is a Doctor and works Very Hard all day taking care of Real Patients in the hospital and therefore has No Patience to come home and take care of Wife-Patient.
So, in other words, being married to a doctor makes me more likely to catch whatever germs he brings home from the hospital, and less likely to have someone who remotely cares that I have become sick. It’s totally a win-win situation.
And, in other humorous news, I’ve gone from raspy nails-on-a-chalkboard voice to no voice at all. And today, my PI asked me to call around and get price quotes on both a fluorescent plate reader and an ultrasonic bath. At the end of the day when I hadn’t done it, he was obviously quite visibly annoyed. Er, I have no voice – am I supposed to try to set up an iChat session with our Fisher representative and mime out “ultrasonic bath”?! Come to think of it, I was always pretty good at Charades…
I think you are underestimating the importance of having a doctor for a husband. It's really something special. So, I'm gonna have to weigh in on the side of hubby and your mother-in-law on this one.
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Mudphudder, you're right, being forced to sleep on the couch, frequently sick, and having to walk to CVS to buy my own generic-brand DayQuill because Husband is too "tired" to pick some up for me on his way home is a small price indeed to be married to a god! :)
ReplyDeleteSurely there is a silver lining here somewhere...maybe it's time to dig out your wedding photos again. Those always cheer me up. :)
ReplyDeleteI call BS on your husband! LOL At the very least he could make you a cup of tea.
ReplyDeleteOur rule is the person who is sick gets to sleep in the matrimonial bed, and the other person sleeps in the guest room (which has a queen size bed). So, it's not so bad.
Kelly - Whatever the answer is, it's not spending time in lab, that's for sure! Actually, while they have nothing to do with the photos, that does remind me that I need to start thinking of what I'm going to do for an anniversary gift...
ReplyDeleteMrs. CH - Upsizing will solve most of our sick problems (I don't think we'll ever have a chef for when I'm sick, though!). Most of the time when I'm banished to the couch, I can be found muttering broken fragments about Husband's massive medical school debt and my decision to remain a permanent student forcing us into a teeny one bedroom condo with no room for a guest bed, ha!
That stinks! We just assume if one gets sick, the other will too and don't bother sleeping on the couch.
ReplyDeleteHow is going to deal if he gets sick once he moves?
Boo doctor hubbys! You would think that being married to a doctor would come with those perks, but alas it usually does not. When I get sick Husband tells me its not that bad. Being sick with doctor husband is the pits.
ReplyDeleteIs his mother going to cook for him when he moves? If not, he is in for quite the shock, especially when he gets sick from his very important saving lives job.
ReplyDeleteHang in there Julie, hope the voice comes back soon.
I can only imagine how frustrating that is. Hang in there and I hope your voice (and you) get better quickly!
ReplyDeleteThis is when you have to take something very important home from the lab that just has to say sit in his all important spot or interfears with his favorite leasure activity because you are a very important Scientist and are the brink of discovery!
ReplyDeleteMaybe if you call your PI and say, "this is what i sound like, i can still call them if you like" he'll lay off your case!
ReplyDeletehope you feel better soon!!!
Hope you feel better soon! Don't let Dr. Hubby get away with these double standards. At least he could go out and buy you dinner when you're sick!
ReplyDeleteAlbatross - His mother will take care of him, of course! You don't expect a Jewish boy would have to fend for himself, do you?
ReplyDeleteJennifer - It makes me feel a bit better that it's a general trend.. I mean, Husband is a great guy so I feel bad ragging on him, so at least it's a trait of doctors in general, and not a character flaw of Husband. Our other married friends have spouses who cater to their every little need while sick (Can I get you more tissues? Cup of tea? Another pillow? Do you need me to make a 12th trip to the drug store for anything?) and my husband looks at me and says 103.2 fever? Why the heck did you stay home... that's not sick! Noooo... it wouldn't land me in his ICU... but it doesn't mean I want to stand over the stove cooking him dinner, either!
Psych Post Doc - His mother doesn't cook, but she will order take out. And have her housekeepers change the sheets on his bed every other day. I will not need to worry about him once he moves away.
Without Adornment - Thanks for the get well wishes. :)
Blablover - Brilliant! The hybridization chamber is coming home with me and just HAS to sit in front of the TV, or else I will never graduate!
PD - That's not a bad idea. I called my parents Monday night on their house line (no caller ID) and my mother hung up on me twice because she couldn't recognize my voice or understand what I was saying. And then sent me an email yesterday complaining that I never call.
Emily - I'd settle for him picking up the phone and ordering take-out! Considering he grew up in a home of only take-out, and he's more than happy to eat it when he's back at his mother's house, but in the 6 years we've been together I can use my fingers to count the number of times he's been willing to order in. No idea why!
I think you're getting a slightly raw deal here! I live with a med student and an intern and we are all very nice and sympathetic and tea-making, and all about the ordering of the nice food when any of us are sick. Though we like to do it all from about three feet away as we are all too busy to catch what the other has!! lol.
ReplyDeleteHope your feeling better soon!
Just wait. I'm at home with a broken foot, and he's really had to step up to the plate. (I cannot put any weight on it, on crutches, etc.) I want to heal correctly, and I will not take a chance to mess up my foot. Luckily, my husband is doing good, except when he made me a bologna sandwich..with 6 (six)!!! pieces of bologna..I about gagged.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing that it is just not worth the work to hash this stuff out and come up with more equal "rules" so I won't suggest that. :-)
ReplyDeleteMy husband actually freaks me out because he insists on kissing me as usual when I am sick. And I'd much rather the just stayed healthy. Yeck.
At least always having your bed will give you something to be happy about when he leaves!
I hope that you get well soon.
It's the same in my house. If either of us are sick, I end up on the couch. I sleep on the couch when I am sick so that I don't get my husband sick. When he is sick, he is too much of a baby to sleep on the couch and since I don't want to get sick, I move to the couch.
ReplyDeleteI can totally sympathize with KathyL--six pieces of bologna?!?!?! That's not nearly enough.
ReplyDeleteAlso, there is a lot of doctor-hubby and male hating going on here. First of all, every one of you knew that men are big babies before you got married so you can't be surprised about it now. Second, doctor-hubbies should do whatever they want--that's just my unbiased opinion ;-)
I can't believe he treats you like a second-class citizen because you're not a doctor. I'm sure he has numerous redeeming features.. but that inequality is a dick move in my book.
ReplyDeleteLab Pixie - You should get those surgical masks to wear. Whenever someone in the lab is sick, my PI makes the sick person wear them around the lab, and especially when we do cell culture. Sexxy.
ReplyDeleteKathyL - Oh, no! I hope you recover soon! When I had all my back problems almost two years ago and was completely unable to move, my husband didn't even make the offer to come see how I was (I get that he was on an away rotation and all, but the OFFER would have been nice). Instead, my mother wound up having to trek all the way out to DC to help out... and it took me 4 hours to wiggle like a worm from my living room to the door just to let her in (about 12 feet), whereas my husband, you know, has a key and could have let himself in. But the 6 pieces of bologna totally made me laugh. That sounds like something my husband would do too (if I ate bologna) -- instead, it would probably be way too many pieces of cheese on a grilled cheese sandwich, with the bread charred black. But an A for effort, right?
Rae - Dead on with the bed to myself when he leaves. For as much as I complain about him (and I hope people know that I do it in jest; Husband and I are both sarcastic people and poke fun at each other equally) I know that I will miss him very much, so I keep a mental list of all the things that will be better once I am living on my own. Bed to myself (both in sickness and in health -- he tends to push me out of bed in the middle of the night) is at the #1 spot.
Microbiologist XX - I hope that your couch is comfy, too!
Mudphudder - I think the big difference, and one of the more endearing qualities of your blog persona, is that you are more than happy to step up to the plate and admit that men are big babies. My husband, on the other hand - while he can be a huge baby - does not like to admit this. Even his mother admits that he is a gigantic momma's boy, but use the term around him and he gets all defense (it's normal to call your mother every day! all men tell their mother things before their wife! every good son wants to live close to their mother! -- see? momma's boy). I think if most men accepted and embraced that they were big babies, instead of trying to hide it and come up with stupid rules that their job is More Important, we wouldn't have to revert to blog-bashing.
Sherry - He uses it in a joking manner, but really it is just because of the hours that he works. He goes in earlier than I do, leaving before 5am every morning, and working over 100 hour weeks (his program just seems to pay a fine and ignore the 80 hour residency laws most of the time). Next year when he starts his radiology residency, and is working 7am-5am without overnight call (first year radiology residents are apparently not permitted to take call because they do not know enough), sitting in a room reading films rather than running from dying patient to dying patient in the ICU for 16 hours/day... he will be far more patient, social, and would dedicate more time to our marriage and splitting duties like sleeping on the couch when sick.... except of course, that he'll be in Philadelphia and I'll be in D.C.
I totally understand Husband's issues with him getting sick. Julie on couch, etc.
ReplyDeleteIt simply grates my nerves (and I can only imagine how it makes you feel) that you don't get the same considerations.
Best of luck!
Oh my goodness! All I can say is GET WELL SOON :) :) :) PS - Thanks for validating my annoyance in my ranting post!
ReplyDeleteI know your hubbie is a wonderful person... but really? He can't bring home a little vegetarian takeout every now and then?
ReplyDeleteHere's an idea for an anniversary present: a laminated, beautifully colored listing of all the local takeout places.
Hope you're feeling better soon!
Eeek I hope you feel better soon my love!
ReplyDeleteAaaaw, I hope you're feeling better and you've got your voice back by now!
ReplyDeleteOMG, you are seriously a SAINT.. I would have chucked out my hubby a loooong time ago if he didn't wait on me hand and foot when sick (you know, like I do when HE is sick!)
Your husband better have many a redeeming feature to make up for this one :D
Eek - I probably have no right to weigh in on this, but how much of a doormat are you? Your husband treats you like crap, what with all these double standards - he doesn't treat you as well as you treat him. And the next time the arrogant "doctor" tries to insinuate his profession is somehow above yours, can you please stand up for science and put him in his place. If it weren't for the scientific community down the ages, "doctors" would still be putting leeches on peopleand drilling holes in their skulls to let the evil spirits out. medical SCIENCE allows doctors to save lives.
ReplyDeleteTrue, doctors are important, but PhD doctors (the real doctors, by the way) CREATE the knowledge that doctors use. Why do you think they are so good at saving lives nowadays? Its because people with PhDs put the hard work in to find out about diseases and come up with cures. "Doctors" only diagnose and then implement the remedy.
So you can just tell him this the next time he starts to feel more important than you.
Oh, and medical "doctors" are not real doctors. REAL doctors have a doctorate, which is where the title comes from. The title is an honorary one for medical practitioners, and customary, and arose for historical reasons. Funnily enough, the upper echelons of the medical profession (i.e. the surgeons) don't actually use the title, its the physicians that use it.
Back at the beginning, a "Bachelor" degree was supposed to give you a general grounding in a discipline, a masters degree qualified you to go out and work in a field, and a doctorate qualified you to teach a subject. "Doctor" is latin for teacher.
Do not succumb to warped ideas of these medical upstarts thinking their degree is somehow more important or higher status as the PhD. Its just not true. People have been getting PhDs for a 1000 years, back around the time when medical doctors were primitive herbalists/men with scary and dangerous tools.
Be proud of your degree. The medical profession is highly regarded, but it stands on the shoulders of the scientific community.
Your husband is saving lives, but you are creating knowledge that may save millions of lives into the future! Put him in his place.
Anonymous - Where have I ever said that my husband does not respect science? On the contrary, he has a huge amount of respect for science, but rather, his argument for why he sleeps on the couch comes from the number of hours worked. Even if I am working 12-14 hour days, for the most part, I am not in the lab overnight. When he is in the ICU, he is on call Q3, meaning every third night, he is working a 30 hour shift in which he gets no sleep at all. Therefore, staying healthy and getting a better night's sleep is his priority (and ranks higher over my sleep) because he gets far fewer sleep opportunities than the overwhelming majority of the population. I reread my post, and while I jokingly (perhaps you do not understand humor?) referenced how he was all-mighty and important for being a doctor, I also never once said that he does not think what I do is worthwhile.
ReplyDeleteThe majority of attendings with whom he works have stay-at-home wives. In reality, he knows that it would be far easier for raising children if I stayed at home, but he knows that for all the training I will have done, and because of the value of what I do, it would be a huge waste of my skillset for me to finish my Ph.D. and never actually use it. While he would enjoy the convenience, he has told me that he would be disappointed if I ever did it for his own convenience (of course, if I wanted to do so, he would support me). My husband has nothing but the utmost respect for researchers, so I am not sure why you think I need to school him on this.
Also, I think that anyone who "puts" their spouse "into place" does not deserve to be married in the first place, but that's just my own opinion. My husband may state that for his own hellish intern year when he is working over 100 hours per week because his program does not abide by residence work rules, he gets the bed when one of us is sick, but he has never once "put me in my place", and I would NOT stay married to someone who treated me as such. In return, I would never ever do that to him. We are a team and respect each other far too much for that kind of behavior.
Ok, fine - but your posts really paint a different picture to the one you are painting now, as someone else wrote. However, I understand that no one looking in on a relationship from the outside has any real idea of what goes on.
ReplyDeleteI read your post and instantly reacted to the medical practitioner arrogance I perceived in your husbands behaviour - I have come across this many times, and believe, for the reasons I outlined in my posts, it is a misplaced arrogance.
But please do tell your husband that his title is merely honorary, and that when you graduate, you will be a 'real' doctor. Even if just for the sake of pedantry!!! (and also to get a rise out him!).
When I said 'put him in his place', I meant as a doctor, not a spouse.
Oh, and I agree with other posters - how hard would it be for your hubbie to do his fair share and order home delivery dinners? Or to heat up some microwave dinners (there are pretty good quality ones out there now). Maybe you feel required to compensate for the fact you are not a stay at home wife like your hubbies colleagues wives, and cook for him more than he does for you. But what would I know, I am only a feminist and believe in equality - I have dumped guys because they weren't sufficiently domesticated.
ReplyDeleteOk, I'll go now, best of luck for your PhD, I just submitted mine!
Interesting...I found the same thing to be the case for me after a car accident and got rid of doctor fiancee. Having someone who doesn't support you when you're sick or injured makes it even more difficult to be sick or injured.
ReplyDelete