I found out that my grandmother is scheduled for surgery on Friday, to have her brain tumor removed.
Husband and I are supposed to leave for vacation tomorrow, a combination of a celebration of our one year anniversary, but far more importantly, one last chance to do something together before he moves away. 10 of the past 12 months have been call months for him, so the majority of our marriage has worked such that we have seen each other for a few (2-3) hours for two days (most of which involves me cooking and him playing Playstation, then him cleaning the kitchen while I analyze data), and then not at all for the next two days, with the pattern repeating. Given the few hours per week that we see each other, and the fact that this is now going to decrease to one, sometimes two, weekends per month, we were very much looking forward to spending a whole week together, just the two of us, with no lab/hospital time.
But now, my grandmother is having surgery. Back in January, her neurosurgeon did not opt to do surgery because her chances of survival were not high. She has only gotten worse since then, along with her chances of surviving major neurosurgery.
My parents and grandparents say we should go. My grandmother wants no funeral, no ceremony, no memorial – nothing. She is old, cranky, and miserable, and no longer wants to be living day-to-day as unhealthy as she is. She has been ready to die for months, and my parents suspect that the reason she agreed to the surgery is because she is hoping she will not pull through. She does not want her death to alter anybody’s plans – my aunt and her husband are in Barcelona (my uncle is an opera singer, currently performing with the Gran Teatre del Liceu) and she does not want them to fly back regardless of the outcome; my husband and I should go on our vacation – nothing should change.
But even if she doesn’t want anything to change, everything would change. And I don’t know what to do. Do I ignore my dying grandmother’s last wish and cancel my trip and last opportunity to do something with my husband so that I can be around my family, even though that wasn’t what she wanted (and will upset my still-living grandfather)? Do I go on vacation because that is what my grandmother wants – even if it means being far away from the consolation of my own family? Do we leave as planned on Thursday, and then if she doesn’t make it through on Friday, turn around and have a 12-hour drive to Pennsylvania?
Moments like now, even more than usual, I wish I had a sibling, or even just one single first cousin, who would be going through the same thing and might be able to offer up some advice. Having a tiny family just makes the depressing even more depressing.
I fear that no matter what decision I make, it will be the wrong one.
I would see your nana:)
ReplyDeleteLa Table De Nana - If I thought that there was a possibility that I would actually get to SEE my grandmother, I would go an an instant. But I know she will not see me at all before the surgery, nor will she want visitors afterward if she pulls through.
ReplyDeleteMy past two trips back to Pennsylvania I tried to visit... and both times, she told me not to come, that she did not want to see me because she was not up to visitors.
What a horrible decision to have to make. I am so sorry that you are faced with this. Is there any way you could you delay your departure a day to see the outcome of the surgery and decide at that point in time what to do?
ReplyDeleteThat's such a shitty situation. I guess you are going to have to decide how your decision will impact your family, particularly since you are from a small family.
ReplyDeleteCould you guys book a spa or something within a 30 minute drive or something?
Good luck. I'll be thinking of you.
I truly believe that whichever decision you make WILL be the right one. I think you should go with what was planned. Your grandmother wants that and you should honor her wish, in my opinion. Recently, my grandfather passed and I wanted to be by his side at the time of his death. However, I had a huge exam hanging over me and I knew he wouldn't want me to rush to his side. It's hard but just know that whichever decision you do make will be the right one. Hang in there my friend. xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh man, that's tough. I'm not entirely sure what I would do - but I think that going on your vacation is a good one. It's your grandma's dying wish - albeit a difficult one. But would it be possible to talk on the phone to your grandmother so you can at least tell her how much you love her, etc.?
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your decision - I'm sending good thoughts your way!
Oh Julie, I'm sorry you have to make this decision. Not sure whether you were asking for advice, but I'll share my thoughts anyways... can't help it, I'm a social worker :) When I first read the little snippet in Google Reader before clicking over, my first thought was, "she should do what her grandmother wishes." As I read on, it was clear to me, especially given the extremely unique opportunity to have quality time w/ your husband, that if I was in your shoes I would probably go, knowing that there was a possibility that I'd have to make the long drive back.
ReplyDeleteRegardless, like someone said above, no matter what you choose to do, it will be the right thing. Sending you a hug!
You're smart enough to figure this out. Just make a decision like a grownup!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if I've commented before but I would like to send this thought to you on such a difficult decision:
ReplyDeleteYou should do what YOU feel best about. If deciding to go on vacation, do so because you feel it's the best choice for you, not because your grandma doesn't want you to change plans on her behalf. If you decide to go to the hospital, do so because it makes you feel better to be around your extended familiy than away on vacation. It is you who has to live with the decision so you must do what is best for you.
I know it might not make the decision much easier since you probably don't know exactly how you would feel about it but I think it's important to keep the focus on what you want and not what your grandma wants you to do.
Honestly, I have no idea what I would do. That being said, I think whatever decision you make will be the right one for you. I'll keep your family in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI too agree you will make the right decision:) I was just saying what I would do..:) It doesn't mean it's the right thing at all.
ReplyDeleteIt never dawned on me that your nana would really not see you.
I'm sorry..
You have to know where my advice is coming from.
I have lost quite a few people and given the chance to see them..especially ..just one more time.. would mean the world.
I guess it is a very hard question to offer suggestions to:) Do what you feel is right.
It will be.
I would call her before the surgery and tell her how much she means to you. And go on vacation, await the news, and no matter what the out come you can celebrate her success and/or life in a way she would want you to...enjoying your own life. It will be hard no matter what decision you make. I'll be thinking of you and your grandmother! Best of luck to both of you!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about your grandmother, it's hard. My grandma passed away almost a year ago, and my uncle a year before her. Both had been sick for a long time (honestly, Grandma had been dying for 8 years) - I went through this many times, the she's going into surgery, might not last the night, etc. Each time I heard the same things that you did - don't come home, there's nothing you can do anyway. It's a hard decision to make, and the hardest part for me was hearing my mom cry over the phone and not being able to be there for her. Good luck deciding - sending virtual hugs your way - neither decision is going to be easy, unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteThis is tough, and I would struggle, too.
ReplyDeleteHere's how I see it: If you opt to be w/ your family, what really will that accomplish? Your grandparents have already told you to keep your plans, and should the unfortunate occur, your grandfather (and the rest of your family) would be upset over the passing and over the fact that you missed your vacation. Obviously it is OK for you to not be there, since you have relatives who are out of the country. Your grandmother seems like the type who doesn't want a fuss made over her, and to honor her, you should go on your trip. If she does pull through, then she'll just be pissed off that you didn't listen to her! :)
In all honesty, I do understand. My grandmother who recently passed away was also the type who didn't want a fuss. I was devastated when she died, but in talking about her w/ my uncle and attending the services, I realized that she would have been so disappointed in me if I had let my life stop for grieving. From that point on, the process of grief has been a lot easier for me. Sure, I'm sad, but I think the best tribute is to live a life that I am proud of, much as she did.
In short? Go on vacation. Your grandmother may or may not make it (I'm praying sincerely that she does, or at least finds peace), but your marriage will be around for a long time. Invest in that, and you won't regret it.
You will be in my thoughts!
Ugh, what a terrible situation! I am so sorry that you even had to be put in this situation. I can see myself saying "You made the right decision!" either way you go... which basically means I am behind you whatever decision you make :)
ReplyDeletePS - What is up with the snarky anonymous comment? GEEZ.
:(
ReplyDeleteMy 2 cents:
Go on your vacation.
As difficult a decision as this is, I think it's important that you put your relationship with your husband first.
Perhaps you could write a letter to your Grandmother - one that expresses all of your feelings and emotions that would be conveyed by you in person?
Regardless whether or not she reads it, it will help heal your own heart and mind.
Just my 2 cents!
I'm so sorry, Julie. This is a terrible decision to make. I hope you find a way that you can be content with ("happy", given the circumstances, just doesn't sound right to me).
ReplyDeleteOh julie, I am sorry you are faced with this decision. Like everyone else said, whatever you do will the right thing. Think about how you and husband would feel in this situation, ie do you really want to upset your grandfather by ignoring your grandmothers wishes? OR will he be happy and comforted to have you there?
ReplyDeletelots of virtual hugs.
how much do you love your grandma ? If you were dying, would she be by ur side ? You're young and have your entire life to go on holidays and see your husband. sorry but your question sounds a bit stupid unless she doesn't mean a thing
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your grandma!
ReplyDeleteI too had to make the same decision. I was on vacation in the Galapagos Islands with my Dad when my Grandpa passed away. We opted to stay even though we missed the funeral. I still am sad that I missed the whole thing and the gathering of the entire family (minus Dad and I) but Dad and I had an amazing time and bonded like we never had before. SO go enjoy your life and celebrate in the land of the living!!
I honestly think you should go. I would enjoy the life you're able to live. I would not say that about anyone (a Grandmother who is like a Mom to you, for instance) but it really does seem like that is what she would prefer.
ReplyDeleteWhat did you decide? I am sure whatever you decided was the right thing and you can be at peace with your decision.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about you... hope that you are hanging in there...
ReplyDelete