Running on Empty

It is 6am and I am in lab. I am not in lab because I arrived early this morning (as would be the norm for me), but rather, because I have not yet left after arriving a bit before 6am yesterday. And, of course, exactly like the overnight that has happened once a week for the past 5 weeks, this was unplanned, so I have an entire day of experiments to complete today. I'm fine with the 24 hours of work. But this weekly "unexpected" (though I suppose by now, I should expect it -- I just don't know what day it will be coming) 36 hour day, followed by 12 hour days every other day of the week, is starting to wear me thin.

I've reached my point where I'm damn near ready to throw in the towel. I know that every student goes through this at some point -- I am by no means looking for pity and saying that I am in some awful situation here -- but it has just reached a new level of frustration to watch students the same year as me waltz into the lab at 10am and back out the door at 5pm, and have first author papers already. Meanwhile, I am here pulling weekly overnight shifts, and have absolutely no data that is anywhere near publication quality. I have mounds and mounds and mounds of shit data with great looking controls, but that doesn't really help me out. And it's so frustrating because I feel like I can't give any more to make this work. I already put in more hours than any other student. I'm not saying that I'm better or a harder worker, it's just that my project requires it, and the projects of other students don't require these hours. I don't know if they would be willing to stay overnight every week if they were doing the same thing as me... some probably would, and I know some would not. But I am giving all I have to give, and yet it is never enough.

I am constantly sacrificing on behalf of science. In the five months since I've been married, I have basically had no contact with the majority of my friends, because I am constantly in the lab. My husband and I often go days without seeing each other, though I suppose that is a good thing in terms of easing us into what it will be like when he moves away come June. I've given up all the hobbies and interests I once had outside of science. Probably saddest of all, I've nearly had to cut off contact with my mother -- I call only when my husband forces me to do so. Every single conversation we have, my mother brings up "So, is there a light at the end of the tunnel yet?" in reference to when I will be done. I have asked her dozens of times to not ask me, and I will let her know when I know, but she insists on asking, every time, because "people want to know." Screw them. I don't know. I tell her I don't know. And every time, this sparks an argument. Look, this isn't medical school. It's not four years and out. The average for my program is 6 years. There are a few lucky people who get out in 5. There are some 8th year students still hanging around. The program dictates that students must have one first author publication in a journal with an impact factor greater than 5; my PI's personal requirements are that I must have two first author papers before I am allowed to defend. I had quality data, but it all went into a post-doc's paper. I get it -- this is how science works, and I am fine with that, but this puts me back at square one, as EVERY bit of publishable data I had went into that paper, and I am not the first author. And so here I am, a fourth year student, and I have zero worthwhile data. And I need two first author papers before I can defend. So no Mom, I have no fucking idea when I'll be done, and if you are so concerned with asking me every time because you need an answer to tell your friends that you are unable to respect my wishes to not talk about it, then I have no desire whatsoever to talk to you at this point in my life.

I know that I always come across as frustrated and miserable and bitter, but often, I blog about these feelings so that I do not have to carry them around in reality. It's far easier to vent in a post and then be able to fake a smile when someone asks how the lab is and shrug and tell them it's chugging along. But truthfully, I don't know how much longer I can keep that up without something (anything!) working. I put in the hours. I research the methods. I use correct experimental design -- my controls always work. And yet somehow, the protein from hell always finds a way to screw over whatever I am doing. But I can't keep doing this for much longer when my tank of hope is running completely on empty.