I have a secret confession to make. One of my biggest concerns of my upcoming long-distance marriage is not that I will pine away in misery without my husband... but that I will become so used to life without him that I will find him annoying and a general pain in the tush when forced to live with him again.
You see, I assimilate myself to my current living conditions absurdly well. I'm like a regular chameleon. Homesick? Not in my dictionary. The first time I was shipped off to overnight camp at the ripe old age of 8, everyone around me was homesick and cried, so I cried, because I thought that was what you were supposed to do at overnight camp. Once the counselors explained that you didn't have to miss home, if you didn't actually miss your home, and you were allowed to have fun... well then heck, I was sold. Home is where I hang my hat, whether I'm there for a week or a year.
Tonight is Husband's last night on Night Float service, which means that he'll be back to a normal schedule of working during daylight hours. But between you and me... well, I've adapted. And frankly, it's been kind of nice to be the Queen of the Castle. When I want peace and quiet, it's blissfully quiet, which is something I never, ever get when Husband is around -- he has to have the TV and radio on at all times, and I hate it. When I do want to turn on the TV, I get to control the remote and watch what I want, which I never get to do when Husband is around. I haven't had to listen to Philadelphia sports radio once since he's been on Night Float! And to get to spread out at night and actually sleep without someone pushing me out of bed... it's been quite delightful.
Now, this isn't to say that I don't love my husband or want to spend time with him, and all of these problems could easily be solved by expanding from our little one bedroom condo to something with a bit more space. And of course, going a few weeks is quite different than going a few years living without someone.
But for me, these past few weeks have confirmed my suspicions that moving back in together are probably going to be far harder than moving apart.
Friday, November 14, 2008
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It is so refreshing to hear you say that! One of my biggest fears of getting married is never getting time to do those things you listed-- spread out in bed, have peace and quiet, pick the television channel, etc. With love, space, and a bit more square footage, I bet you'll be a-o.k. :)
ReplyDeleteAbout the TV/radio thing - I use ear plugs when I need to in similar circumstances - but when it becomes a permanent thing, you may have to propose a compromise for some real quiet time. (Or I do, me in another room and even close the door.)
ReplyDeleteWell, when that time comes, there will be plenty of suggestions, I'm sure. In the meantime, best wishes on the long-distance thing!
And I like your new blog style. It seems rather upbeat.
More square footage will make a huge difference. I am the same way in terms of needing my alone (quiet) time and when my husband is around that is nearly impossible. So, we buy houses with extra rooms that way I can be up in my office with the door closed and he can be downstairs on the other side of the house with the TV blaring and all is good.
ReplyDeleteI do think you need to reach some middle ground while you're in your current space. Like only the TV or the radio on at any one time, or he wears headphones. :)
Good luck
It is hard to adapt back. At the same time, it's fairly easy to do it. There are a bunch of things that I like done a certain way that Dr. Man likes done differently. The first few months that Dr. Man moved back in was like the first few months of living together all over again (there were more fights, more passive-aggressive moving stuff, etc.).
ReplyDeleteAlso, don't forget that there are a lot of adjustments to be made when living apart, too. I'm not talking about missing Husband, either. There are a lot of logistical stuff, too. I'm the one who takes care of the bills and most of the paperwork that makes life possible. And suddenly Dr. Man had to do most of that on his own. Yeah, that was interesting. Plus, now you have to make time to spend time with him (which turns out to be a bigger problem when apart long term).
Anyhow, this is very long, so let me sum up. Don't worry too much. There are adjustments to be made with both moves, but neither are insurmountable. And moving back in together (while hard) is much more fun than moving apart.
Yeah, N.A. and I experience this during our visits. We're each so used to living alone now that it takes us two nights to get used to (and by that I mean tolerate!) one another's sleep habits. We've learned that two day visits are a VERY BAD THING.
ReplyDeleteAmanda- For us, we're not going to have as many logistical problems with the moving apart as it sounds like you and Dr. Man did. I'll still be the only one responsible for dealing with bills, etc. Since Husband is moving back to his hometown, and has $250K in medical bills, and we'll each be living in a top 5 most expensive U.S. housing market, in order to save $$ to pay back on some of those loans, he's actually going to move back in to his mother's house. So, he won't have rent and whatnot to deal with, and all his car insurance and banking statements and whatnot will keep coming here to me. And as far as scheduling visits... well, we have one car, and he's taking it. And for his particular residency, it's backwards compared to most, in that his first two years he's legally not allowed to take overnight/weekend call since he doesn't know enough, and then years 3-5 are worse, so at least the first 2 years, his schedule is pretty easy, so since he has the car and his weekends free, it's all on him to do the traveling to come to me. Which only seems fair, since he was so anxious to move back to Hometown that he ranked those schools at the top of his list, despite the fact that I'll still be here for several more years. So, at least from that aspect, things should be a BIT easier.
ReplyDeleteU.R. - I doubt we'll be able to get too many two day visits in -- I guess maybe that will be a good thing! We'll be, with traffic, a 4ish hour drive apart, so he'd probably come down either late Friday night and get in sometime after midnight, or if he's working late, Saturday morning, and then have to leave mid-afternoon Sunday... so that's not really enough time to get sick of someone, especially considering I'd be in lab for some of that time over the weekend!
I lived long distance from Mr. PhizzleDizzle for years, and one of the things I was most worried about when we got married was transitional stuff (why don't you put the cap back on the toothpaste? How can you sleep with only a sheet? Why do you drop your socks wherever you're standing?). However, it has been easier than I thought. I spent a lot of mental energy worrying, and it turned out to be moot.
ReplyDeleteThough something larger than a 1BR would DEFINITELY help.